Our Life with Oliver

I feel so selfish, wishing that he was here. If he was here, he would be in pain. He would be on numerous medications, preparing for a kidney transplant. That was the "the best outcome" diagnosis. If he survived, we would be jumping through hoops to keep him alive. It seems so selfish. I know he had to go because his life wasn't meant to be full of pain and struggles. His life was supposed to only know love. He lived for 34 weeks and 5 days in my womb. My womb of love. We formed a bond, we knew eachother, we loved eachother and that love, that bond continues to grow. I understand why he had to go, but accepting that is a completely different story. I look forward to the day I get to hold him and see that he has known no pain, just love. Every morning I wake up knowing its  one more day closer to seeing you again.  I love you Oliver

11 weeks ago we met our son. 11 weeks ago we said goodbye. 11 weeks ago our lives changed forever. It is so hard for me to not be angry every day. Why is my son gone? Why did he have to leave? Why didn't we get any answers? Why? It is just absolutely not fair. I should be sleep deprived right now, and not because I cry every night, hoping I will wake up the next morning to this just being a nightmare. I should be freaking out about this being the last week at home with Oliver. I should still be home, watching him grow, seeing his eyes wander, staring at him in awe. I shouldn't be at work, hiding my tears, having to cry in the bathroom, trying to avoid any awkward moment. I should be causing some sort of facebook havoc with the amount of photos I am uploading of him and getting all the oooos and awwws from family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. I should still have friends. Friends who are asking to come visit or go out to lunch, so they can see Oliver. Not friends who h

The year 2012 has been the best and worst year of our lives. We found out that we would be expecting our first child and that joy was ripped from us too early. We got to hear Oliver's heart beat and feel him move. The joy of ultrasounds was taken from us early, being that we had no fluid, we couldn't do the elective ultrasounds. We were lucky I had enough to at least tell us that he was a boy! We learned how to support one another in a hard situation, how to be there through thick and thin. We got to meet and hold our son and spend an unforgettable 24 hours looking at his beautiful face and capturing those memories with an obnoxious amount of pictures. As many as we have, they will never be enough. We had to leave the hospital -  without our son. We filled out cremation paperwork and picked out an urn. We received a death certificate in the mail for Oliver, which took my breath away and brought me to tears instantly. We were married on his due date. In 2012 we had a beautifu