Sunday, April 26, 2015

913 Days

This photo was taken about a month ago. I love this picture. This is a beautiful picture taken on a beautiful day. That being said, that wasn't my first thought. Which I have felt very guilty about. My first thought was, "Why isn't Oliver in this picture?". I have been struggling quite a bit these past few months. And after seeing this picture, I just felt a bit more broken hearted, I miss my sweet boy more than anything, and it is definitely a daily struggle accepting that he isn't here with me, to be a part of these beautiful moments.

Oliver is now 2 and a half years old. He has been gone for 913 days. 913 days I have lived on this earth without my baby boy. 913 days that I have made it since he was called Home. Not a day goes by that my stomach doesn't turn, that my heart doesn't skip, that his name doesn't leave my mouth. I make it a point to speak about my child. We talk about him everyday. We have talked about him every single day for the past 913 days - and will continue to do so for the many days ahead until I am called Home to be greeted by my sweet baby angel.

Some days are easier than others, naturally. Some days my tears are not because I am in pain, but because someone took the time to tell me about the sign Oliver sent them. These days are tears of joy, because my baby boy in Heaven still very much loves his mama and wants me to know that. Some days it's because Olive has shown me a glimpse of her brother's face in hers. Or when Jaxin points out Oliver's pictures on the wall. Some days I am bitter, I am angry, that my son was taken from me too soon. My son should have lived beyond my days. This journey of grief - is a roller coaster - that I pray no one else has to ride.

This picture here is a beautiful picture, and I cherish it very much. I just wish Oliver was in it too.

Oliver is with us in our hearts, minds, and souls. We carry him with us always. I long for the day I get to hold him again.

I love you my sweet baby angel. With all of my heart. 
You made me a mother, my first born son.