Saturday, June 27, 2015

.27 years.

As I wake up on my 27th birthday, I am feeling two different ways.

Part of me feels defeated, broken. Last night - I spent a lot of time crying - missing my big brother, Ivan. This is my first birthday without him here with me. He has been gone 23 days - and it is just not fair. He should be here, my son, Oliver, should be here. I feel incomplete. We have been through so much - and I just feel as if - something else is about to cause heartbreak.

Then part of me feels - blessed. This great loss I feel - wouldn't feel so great if it wasn't for all of the love I have shared. My brother was my biggest inspiration - the reason I kept on. My son, made me a mother - gave me purpose. I have made it to 27 years old, where I know one to many who have not.

I have overcome so much. Addiction, domestic violence, miscarriage after miscarriage, depression, my stillborn son, the birth of my daughter, the loss of my brother. Yes - I have overcome the birth of my daughter. As joyous and miraculous having her was it was - one of the hardest experiences. Bringing her home - looking at her - having a great fear that I would have a horrible postpartum depression. Every day was another day that I feared she would have an illness like her brother had and become an angel. Today - she has given me such love and happiness - healing my heart of so much pain.

I have been tested and tried. While I have failed many times - I have also succeeded. I have learned and grown so much in the past few years. I have a strong marriage, beautiful children - above and beside, a loving and truly supportive family - and above all my faith.

All of this being said - I must wish a Happy Birthday to my mother. 27 years ago today - at around 2 in the afternoon - she gave birth to me via c-section. She accepted the role as my mother - with taking one look at me - knowing that I was a lover and also a fighter. She has been there for me - through the ups and the downs. She has never enabled - but always supported. If it wasn't for her - completing the task that our Father in Heaven provided to her -- I wouldn't be here today.

Here is to 27 years down and many more to come. 27 years has proven - that if we have love, faith, and surround ourselves with those who will support us - we can conquer all.