Monday, August 4, 2014

Learning to Forgive

There is a part of me that feels very guilty for the pain we have endured from losing Oliver.

I was the one who voiced how badly I wanted to have a baby. As soon as we found out we were pregnant, I told Andrew not to say anything because I would have a high chance of miscarriage. I never got my hopes up. I was able to be happy for about 3 weeks until we got the first bad scan.

I have been angry at myself for the pain my husband has experienced, his heartache and loss.

I have been angry at my body for failing me in keeping my son healthy and safe.

I have harbored a lot of guilt, anger and blame in myself.

I have wanted to find a way for me to work through this, to find some sort of peace.

I had heard a lot of people talk about yoga in passing. I had humored the idea back and forth. I had crossed paths with a young woman back in our high school years and stumbled upon her Facebook and Instagram page. She was clearly into Yoga and had a lot to say about it. As I followed and read her posts,  I could see it meant much more to her than what I had heard about it from others. The way she expressed herself and how Yoga was affecting her. I was starting to understand that it was more than a physical practice. It was mentally and spiritually working through her and clearly changing her life.

I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and I am so thankful that I "stumbled" upon her page. Because of her I took the practice of Yoga more seriously. Though I am much in the beginner stage, it has tremendously changed me. During that hour and a half of the class, I am in deep thought of my time with Oliver. That my body didn't fail me. My body kept him safe for 34 weeks and 5 days. That Oliver only knew warmth and love. That whether my husband and I waited longer to have kids - Oliver was still meant to be our son. We were chosen to be his parents.

I cry after each class. I am filled with such emotion, so much gratitude for what has happened in my life. Sometimes the tears are filled with sadness, other times happiness. Each tear is another tear closer to removing the negativity of our experience.

I am beyond grateful that I have found a way to work through the guilt, anger and blame. As each class passes, I am another step closer to finding the strength to forgive myself as well as continuing to strengthen the bond with Oliver. I consider that time "our" time. Time for us to connect with each other spiritually.

So thank you for inspiring me to take a leap of faith and go to a class. Thank you for unknowingly supporting me through this journey of grief and life without my son.

Oliver's 2nd birthday is right around the corner. Two years. Our journey has just begun. I am so thankful to all of those who are here for us with love and support. It takes a village, and I am so very blessed for all of those wonderful people in mine.