Tuesday, February 2, 2016

"It's a girl"

Before we found out we were pregnant again, I had dreams that my next baby would be a boy. I felt emotionally and mentally ready to carry and birth another little boy. 

I was so thankful that Olive was a girl - and I didn't have to face that emotional journey of a little boy so soon after Oliver. I knew I was not even close to ready with her pregnancy.

Once we did get pregnant with this baby {Opal}, we swore this baby was a boy. I felt in my heart that this baby would be a boy. I so longed for a little boy. 

Gender disappointment. It's real. And it doesn't feel good. I had such a hard time accepting that this baby was a girl. I've had three ultrasounds and still don't feel 100%. All have confirmed that she indeed, is a girl. 

I have felt so horrible and guilty - wishing for anything other than a healthy baby. How dare I be picky? How dare I long for a certain gender when I first hand know what it's like to give birth and come home without your baby? 

It's taken a lot of work to accept that it's okay to have felt like that. That it's normal to wish for an experience I didn't have. I didn't get to hear my baby boy cry, I didn't get to nurse him, or to buy him handsome little outfits that he would grow out of. I am still mourning the loss of my son and the loss of the experience of taking care of my him. 

I know what it is like to raise a boy starting at 2 years old. Insert: Jaxin Ivan. My beautiful godson and nephew - that I am so blessed to care for day in and day out. He has brought my so much healing to my heart. But those first two years - I'll never know how it will be with a little boy. 

I've found myself talking to Opal, letting her know that I don't love her any less for being a girl. I love her just the same as my other children. I feel horrible that I wished she was anything but the miracle she is right now. 

But that's okay. And it's normal. So many moms experience the gender disappointment phase of pregnancy. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's definitely not something to bottle up either. Expecting mothers have so many hormones, thoughts and feelings, that we shouldn't have to feel we can't express what we are feeling. The way we feel - doesn't affect the love we have for our babies. 

I've been working through this phase. And to be honest , I will be working it through it until I give birth and see her beautiful face.