Tuesday, July 1, 2014

26 Years

My birthday has come - now 26 years young. For as long as I can remember I have had a goal that I wanted to have kids by the time I was 25. I am 26 years old, have a great job, am married and have TWO beautiful kids. I am also blessed with my Godson, who I get to wake up to everyday.

We tend to plan everything out in life, at least people of my personality type. I set goals, and I aim to meet them. When I want something, I definitely set out to do it. My husband (at the time boyfriend) and I talked about getting pregnant, starting a family. I knew that I wanted to be a mother for most of my short life at that point. I wanted a baby to love and to hold and to watch grow up into an amazing being. That's what I wanted. I had shed many tears about this. Losing a baby at 17 years old, may have been a blessing in disguise, as I was too young to start that journey and not in a healthy relationship or environment to raise a baby. However, that doesn't mean the pain ever left.

{If anyone has seen Return to Zero, the main character's mother said she had a miscarriage that she never told anyone about. The character tells her mother it is not the same as having a stillborn child. She replies that it is still the loss of the potential of what could have been. I agree, its not the same as stillborn, nor is it the same as losing a child at 1 day old, 5 years old or 15 years old. Losing a child of any age and the possibility of the "what ifs", that is the same pain.}

I had already experienced loss and knew that my goal was to have a baby by 25, I had a void to fill. I had Oliver when I was 24 and Olive when I was 25. I surpassed my goal, but not the way I planned. The pain I am going through is not in comparison, but there is now light in my darkness.

My life is not how I intended it to be. If I had control over Oliver's illness, I would change it. I am his mother, I would have done anything in my power if that would have been an option, to be not writing this blog and sitting with my son, who is now 20 months old. But I didn't, so I accept this life I have been given.

I am grateful and blessed that I am able to say,
I am a married, mother of two at 26 years old.