Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Good Experience?

I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

I had a dentist appointment November 18, 2013. The assistant, obviously, noticed I was pregnant. Which brings the normal questions of girl or boy, when are you due, first child? Throughout this short conversation, Oliver was talked about, but we weren't at a point for me to mention he was stillborn, nor did I want to that day. {As some days I just want to be acknowledged for having two beautiful children.} Much of this conversation is a normal one of the common inquiries related to a pregnant woman, but she asked "Well it was a good experience right?".This question was referring to the fact that I stated I was just very tired as I had given birth to my son 6 months before this pregnancy began. I answered yes, but not because I meant it, but because I was caught off guard.

Well, it was a good experience right?

I have had time to think and think about this. For some reason this question has sat heavy on my heart. I couldn't have possibly given an honest answer before I had Olive. I didn't have another birth to compare his to. Now I do. Now I can answer.

I lost my son. I left the hospital without my baby boy. That being said..

Yes, it was a good experience. I felt my baby boy move in my belly and watch as he grew. I am able to say my boy beat the odds he was given. I was able to meet my little boy and hold him and stare at him. My husband was able to cut the cord. His Buela and Mimi were able to watch as he was born. I was able to dress him and take pictures. I was able to make memories.

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For a long time I thought that Olive's birth would be so much different, that because she would be born alive, it would be nothing like Oliver's. She was exactly 3 pounds bigger than Oliver, but the rest was the same. I felt her move during the pregnancy, I watched her as she grew. I met my baby girl and my husband cut the cord. Her Buela and Mimi were able to watch as she was born. I was able to dress her and take pictures. I was able to make memories.

Just because my son is in my heart and my daughter in my arms, doesn't make our birth experience with Oliver a bad experience.

As a fellow loss mama once said to me "It was the most beautiful experience, that I would not wish upon anyone"

I thought I had a good understanding of this. It was the second part I understood very well. The first part means more to me now than ever.